Lost...

I know i have posted about this before... But i am lost in life agen....
 I don't know how it happen this time.... I was fine happy about were i was in life and everything that was going own.... Then this past week i have lost everything i thought i wanted or thought i wanted...
 I tired of chasing Ghost... Tired of falling for things i cant have... Tired of not know who i really i am.... I am 20 years old and what have i done with my life....??? I tell you nothing yeah i have a job working at a gass station in the Mindal of no were.... I don't have my Driver licences yet nor do i have my G.E.D.... 

     I am staying with my best friend amber and her family because i have no were else to go..... 
 I use to know who i really was... I once was a  boy that knew it wasn't a good idea to sleep with guys on the first night?  A   BOY that was sweet, artistic, Love my art more then i love the air i breath now... I use to be sensitive..
 cared more about what pple were feeling then i was.... I use to be  cautious and reserved... 
  
 But now i am not... Now i am reckless don't think just do.... I barley do any of my art.. partings.. drawings... Photography....      No that boy is lost deep dwn inside of me... Thanks to a good friend\x Josh he helped me realized this is what i was\am thinking....."Well, if shits gonna happen anyways, I might as well live the moment up and let it fester. Why try to be happy when I know I'm gonna get hurt. 

     I might as well just not care anymore." 
Thing is i dont know how to get that boy back... I am lost inside i cant fine that person agen.... What if i never fine him..... But i hate the persone it has made me become.... When i look in the mirro i see that boy screaming and trying to brake out... But the new me smiles and just walks a way....... When i look in the mirro the reflections i see isn't the real me.... I never really like the way i look never will but the dark thing i have become is much worse....... 

  But how do i fine that boy... now that i am a man.. 
How do you fine you self when your lost not in life but inside your self??.....
  Thats it i am not lost in life at all...... I am lost in side my slef..... I lost at the person my past has made me.....
  But how do i fine my rule slef who i have put so deep down inside me..????

             So many question but no answered???          And when and if i do fine my self will i lose him agen...? 

Stay Strong!

 Stay Strong...

  Two words.. Ten letters.. That have so much power be hid them. If you read my blog you know what life can throw your way! No my life an't the worst in no mines! I could be homeless living on the streets and go hungry or live in a house were i get abused by my parents. No my life is good rite now but every one has there own secrets be hide closed doors! But any way as i was going though everything i have went though and still i am. this ten letter word kept popping up every were i looked. 
   
I first really saw and heard it watching Demi Lovato on mtv talk about what she really went though with all her addiction... I share one of thous.. one that i have to fite when i get stressed to the max. But as i was watching the program she sed that every one kelpt telling her to stay strong.. So she did and got though what she was dilling with. 

So fast forward to what i was going though and i kelpt hiring a voice saying stay strong! Now at the time i did'n know how to stay strong all i felt like doing was giving up. I realized months latter that i had Stayed Strong not only in thous dark times but all my life and everything that had happen even when i was a kid and did'n really realize what was really going on around me. I stayed Stood strong! This dosn mean i faced head on with evertyhing that was going on NO it mint that i was still standing after the storm had hit! When i started writing my brother he kelp saying the same thing Hold my head up high and stay strong!!!! 

I knew he was speaking words of truth! I look back on my 20 years and the on person in my life that i can say is the strongest person is my MOM she resed two boys on her own Working two jobs and trust me it was not a piece of cake me and my brother use to be hell razes.... But she don it she did have some help from my family but other then that she did it all on her own. Btw if your reading this and your a signal Parent Dad or Mom I know your one of the Strongest people out there because not one are you one parent but your also the other!!!!  

But just my mom a lot of people in my life are staying strong with out them even knowing there doing it! As i sed before Staying Strong Doesn't mean you have to face the storm head own. It means as long as your still standing AFTER the storm has passed then you are Strong!!!!!   

                   So ten letters two words {Stay Strong} So Powerful!!!!

            So No Matter What Life Throws Your Way Stay Strong!!!!

Chasing a Ghost...

Chasing a ghost.. for Five years.... 

I have been on a chase for the longest of time. Something that was mine at one point or another.. My not have been in this life but another. Yes i do believe strongly in past lives.. Any ways i fell for some one i can't have... Or so i thought but times has changed and so do we... We grown up and changes..
    So three years a go i had a choice to make.. Stay or go...
       .... I picked go.. I left not only to pertect some dear people to me... but i thought  that's what i wanted.... For three years i tried to forget what i left be hide.. Who i left behided.... Not because i hated them.. But because me leaving meant ever promises i mad to them was a lie.. When i made them it wasn't a lie..
    I tryed for get them... To try and deail with the pain i was and still am feeling... I live with what i did ever waking day of my life.. But in those three years i never for got them.... I learn to bury the memories and feelings i had for them.. You know nothing stays buryed a way for ever.. There was always something that triged them and they all came rushing back ten fold!!
  So what dos all this have to do with chasing a Ghost? Yull see..
So i went three years selfishly thing i was the one in pain.. I didn think what the people i left behide was going though... I may never know but i do know one thing it did help us all Grow up and realize how cold of a heartless BITCH this world is!!    

   Oh and i know it was wrong of me to lead some one on like i did.. But i really did not i did love him.... No he did not have all of my heart but he did have some.. I thought if i could love him a little in time it wound grow... And it did.. Just not all the way.. Till it went a way.. I have did things i never thought i wound... I have seen stuff i never thought i wound..... But back on the ghost thing... If i never wound have left i mite have finely had the ghost... But i realized something very inporten a dear friend once told me... You cant go back no matter how hard you try you cant... Life just dos't work like that...
     Last night i finely realized what he mint by that.. I wanted to go back to how everything was before i left.. But   i cant so the only thing left to do is Go foreword... Start over new agen... We all changed in thouse three years i was gone... I wanted to come back and everything fall in to place like in the movies.. but life ant like that.. So will i ever finily catch my ghost..? Or will i never catch and just keep Chasing it? I use to spend hours just thinking of that very question. But Last night i came to realized i didn really care if i did or didn because i know one day i will Catch that ghost! I have wanted five years.. I can wait a life time.. Because in any way i am still in that ghost's life!

 I do want to say that if any one is really reading this and if your one of the People in the post i am sorry i left!  
    But i can't change what had all ready happen! But i will prove to you all day by day that i am not going anywhere this time!! 

How something bad.. Can trun your life Around in a good way...

.. So a lot has happened sens i last posted.. Something big happen to me in may.. Something that turned my hole look on life around.. No i didn have a near death or anything like that.. I went to jail can't really say why.. Nothing really bad but spent a week in lock up. In that week i didn not speak to any one i knew.. So on a Friday i got bailed out by my mom there were two other people involved with it.. But any ways so my mom told me i had to move back down here to troy... Josh wasnt to happy about it.. 
  
 On the outside i put off like i wasnt ether. But on the in side i was jumping up and down like a little kid in a candy shop!   So when i got down here.. I finally got time to think what had been bugging me for About 4 months give or take.. My true feelings for josh has changed... I didn love josh like i had for all most three years.. They had changed...  I do want to to say i cant help what happen and i a m sorry for how it happen..
       Dont get me wrong i still love him but i am not in love with him... So when i thought on it i finly told him...  Lets just say he didn take it well... But now me and him are very good friends were like brother's.. in  way....    So fast forwed to now I got my best friend (Wolf ) back in my life got my little sister and my old friend eden all back in my life and found a new one Carolyn!! And i am staying with my Bestie Amber!!!! Moms still with ronnie aka why i cant live with her... But i am not letting everything that has been going wrong in my life get me down.. 

See before i moved in with amber i was staying at Roonies First x wife's house she was NICE!! But ronnies son Little Ronnie is a meth head and a theft who was also on the run.... So sens i am out on bail i had to live in fear that i wound go back to jail if the bounty hunters busted in and found me there...       I have had so much fun and broke out of my shells sens i been back down here!! I learned a lot being with josh some good some bad... So in a way you can say i am back were i started but this time i have family that i didn have before with me ever step of the way!! I still got a long road ahead of me... Got to get on my feet and all that. But for the first time in my life i am not scared that i will fail at it....

 I am happier then i have been in three years.. I still get my self in to some very  complicated situation... oh boy do i. My main thing is my Damn heart and head going to war.. But like i sed some times we have to go though HELL or go to jail for everything to turn around for the best... So if you were to ask me if i could go back and changes one thing wound i??  The answer to that is no...

Out Of Control..

.. Why do I feel as if I have lost control/faith with life and everthing that comes along with it...
.. I feel like my life has just when of the tracks.. Every were I look something bad happens.... Yes I know my life cound be a lot wores.... But whhat do you do when ur just unhappy... With every thing.. I use to enjoy what life has to give... But here latly I feel as I am looking though a pice of glass.. As if my life is some new hot best seller... just out of control and all I can do is sit back helpless.... Whem did it start to get like this.. I am lost.. But this is a defrent lost.. 

Not like before.. Before I felt I lost who I was... This.. No This is wores.. Its a deeper lost.. Unhappy.. But the only person to fix it is me.. rite? But how do you fix something when u can't or even now were tobegein????.... Why I am even Blogging about this?? Just to get it off my minde a guess..... Why can't life be how it use to be.... The good days.... I was the leader of my friends... they looked up to me... Now I get looked down as the stubed person in the pack... I my slef have grown up a lot in my short 19 years on this hell of a blessed place.... Ugh I wish I had a map....

New Year Fresh Start..

So its 2013 and let me tell you the last two weeks of 2012 well hell...
  So if you really read my blog you will know what happed pryer to my last post. So it happed on a Friday night me Josh and Megan just got back from Oxford to our room mats house i just had gotton two text from Julie the text read "Hey just found out teddy's son is coming to live with us and he needs a room so yall have in till Tuesday by Two to be out" So i walked out of our room and said well babe were homeless he like that ant funny I said i know it ant but its true look.....


 Megan asked us to hand her the phone when she read the text she got pissed.. Any way so we had to start finding us a place to stay at and really tell you how stressed, worried and scared we were we had Two dollers in the bank our phone was getting turned off Tuesday  ironic huh oh we just got back from the E.R the other day because we got the flue so on top of that Two E.R bills and a created cared bill coming out way... So thanks to a friend we found us a place to go but it was in auburn so we had to find us a ride so my sister stepped up to the plate and sed she wound take us if we could come up with some gass money...

So we came up with 30 doller in gass and was setting everything up Monday roller around and my sis had to work...
 So agen we had a place but no ride rite? Well we asked Megan's mom if she wound take us she said she wound we just need the directions well when we when to ask out friend he told us he was on his way to Bham because his mom had gotten sick we said ok then he megsed us and said he wound be up there tills whens day... 

  Take Note this is Monday so when we thought we were about to be homeless on the street josh contacted his step sister and told her what was all going on and she said we were more then welcome to stay at her house so Tuesday came around she came and got us and here were are...  In a new town a new county and a new year... So ill let you know how this gos..