Lost...

I know i have posted about this before... But i am lost in life agen....
 I don't know how it happen this time.... I was fine happy about were i was in life and everything that was going own.... Then this past week i have lost everything i thought i wanted or thought i wanted...
 I tired of chasing Ghost... Tired of falling for things i cant have... Tired of not know who i really i am.... I am 20 years old and what have i done with my life....??? I tell you nothing yeah i have a job working at a gass station in the Mindal of no were.... I don't have my Driver licences yet nor do i have my G.E.D.... 

     I am staying with my best friend amber and her family because i have no were else to go..... 
 I use to know who i really was... I once was a  boy that knew it wasn't a good idea to sleep with guys on the first night?  A   BOY that was sweet, artistic, Love my art more then i love the air i breath now... I use to be sensitive..
 cared more about what pple were feeling then i was.... I use to be  cautious and reserved... 
  
 But now i am not... Now i am reckless don't think just do.... I barley do any of my art.. partings.. drawings... Photography....      No that boy is lost deep dwn inside of me... Thanks to a good friend\x Josh he helped me realized this is what i was\am thinking....."Well, if shits gonna happen anyways, I might as well live the moment up and let it fester. Why try to be happy when I know I'm gonna get hurt. 

     I might as well just not care anymore." 
Thing is i dont know how to get that boy back... I am lost inside i cant fine that person agen.... What if i never fine him..... But i hate the persone it has made me become.... When i look in the mirro i see that boy screaming and trying to brake out... But the new me smiles and just walks a way....... When i look in the mirro the reflections i see isn't the real me.... I never really like the way i look never will but the dark thing i have become is much worse....... 

  But how do i fine that boy... now that i am a man.. 
How do you fine you self when your lost not in life but inside your self??.....
  Thats it i am not lost in life at all...... I am lost in side my slef..... I lost at the person my past has made me.....
  But how do i fine my rule slef who i have put so deep down inside me..????

             So many question but no answered???          And when and if i do fine my self will i lose him agen...?